*Pops head up* Oh, hi!

Well hello hello. It’s been a while. Roughly ten months. A lot has happened. A lot hasn’t happened at the same time. I’ve ended relationships, restarted one. I’m overcoming addiction. That’s probably been the worst of it. These last couple months have been hell.

Met a man a month or so ago who reminds me of the ex. I believe the ex in question is The Other Him… It’s been a while and I can’t keep up with who was who. Or I don’t care to. Mainly that. Anywho, this man I met, the Architect, is a happy hour friend and we get along exceedingly well. Married, so innocent flirtation only, but it’s made for fun Fridays after work. I’m still involved with Riddick, after a six month separation because addiction pretty much took over my life. Still fighting that. It sucks. It’s miserable. And the challenge seems to get harder day after day. Don’t do drugs, kids.

I’m relearning who I am, what I’m about, and who I want to be. I hit 30 and while the first few months made me question the longevity of my existence, the second third of it has proven to be much healthier and positive. If I would be kept up how I was going it would have been the end for me. I have no questions or doubt about that. 

So anyway, saying hi. Might be around more. Might not. Sad to see so many people I once followed aren’t posting anymore. I really can’t hate on that. I do disappear myself. 

Yours,

Me

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Leaving on a jet plane

By the time you read this, I will be in OKC where it’s currently rainy and 60 degrees. But that’s 50 degrees warmer than what I left.

I’m two bourbans in, a bag of pretzels, and I got Hamilton caressing my eardrums. Act II just started. 

I realized I haven’t listened to the OBC since I saw the show in NYC.

Oh yeah. I saw Hamilton. I spent more than what I pay in bills for a month but I fucking saw it from six rows back in the left orchestra. And I know you’re wondering. It was worth every single penny of the $704 and change I paid. Found a new favorite Washington. Chris Jackson, I love ya but…

Saw the bf for a few mins today before my flight. I challenged him to use the two hours of me being in the air and on airplane mode to tell me what he hasn’t said and might be scared to say. He didn’t even acknowledge it. I don’t know what I’m going to do there. Out communication has been shit for the last few weeks.

To be fair, my grandmother and uncle died within three weeks of another. Work is syressfulto say the least, and I’m sort of bitter I’m heading south and not east. But it goes two ways. It’s not just my fault.

I want a cigarette. 30 minutes until I land and I want a smoke so god damned bad. Drinking on flights doesn’t help.

And on an unrelated topic… Fuck OKC. I tried to find a nice restaurant on Groupon or something because I’m cheap and taking my aunt out for her birthday. There’s like 12 options. And they all suck. One week. Yaaaaay.

Alright that’s all I got. Glad to see some of the regulars back and welcome to the new names and faces who have popped up. 

Yours,

Me

A little manipulation never hurt anyone.

I have found over the years I am very good at getting what I want from people. A couple of you who see this can likely personally attest to this. Whether it be the leading questions, or the directed conversations, I frequently get told what I want to hear and things play out how I expect them to unknown to third parties. The best part? You think it was your idea.

The boyfriend caught onto this tonight. Well not so much caught on as I clued him in to part of our conversation which demonstrated this. It’s been 20 months, and at that point you find that you have to sometimes work to keep the passion there. We’ve been having really great conversations lately, but it’s been a struggle getting him to see where I’m coming from. Tonight was the conversation about what we wanted from each other. We talk about this every so often to more or less check in, make sure we’re on the same page, and ensure we don’t get too far off track. I ask him what he wants from me. His response: Everything.

Me: Define everything.
Him: Fun, happiness, good conversation.
Me: No no no. That’s not everything and you know it. What do you really want? Don’t give me the PC answer. I want the no holds barred honest and selfish and maybe mildly exposing answer.
Him (after a pause): I want you to be my sexy little lady that begs to touch me and be touched by me. To be mine and only mine. My lover and friend and personal slut.

*SWOOON*

That’s right boys. Love me and objectify me all at the same time and I will cream my panties just thinking about you.

We’ve been short on passion lately. We’ve become monotonous and normal and boring, and considering our relationship is not quite the traditional one, that’s unacceptable. We forget we have to work to keep things where they need to be and we fall into the traps that every other couple does. Difference is I do something about it. He likes it when I do something about it. He’s used to being in a situation where things don’t get talked about or discussed or worked out. They get ignored and shoved to the side and hopefully forgotten about. He doesn’t know what it’s like to be with someone who wants to talk and have the difficult conversations and make sure we’re both happy.

He thinks he won’t be enough for me. He thinks he can’t keep me happy. Maybe he’s right. Maybe this will all end in a firey blaze at some point in the future and we look back wondering what the fuck we were doing.

But right now, he’s right where I want to be. And I’m looking at the long term. I keep my eye on the big picture. And I know how to get what I want. It’s in the long game. I just have to let him think he’s the one who figured it out.

I think this is what they call getting old.

Okay. You guys get to laugh at me. I’m at work today and I have some congestion, so I’m coughing here and there. I go to the bathroom and right before I walk out of the stall, it hits me again. Instead of that being it, my back completely goes out on me. I’m hunched over, hobbling back to my desk, almost in tears. I can’t sit, I can’t stand, and since I’ve been home, I’ve learned I can’t really lay down comfortably. This sucks.

So I’m sitting in bed hoping no more coughing for the night because that’s when it really starts to hurt. I don’t have the option of taking the day off tomorrow because our district boss is in and I have two meetings scheduled. I leave town on Friday, so this has to be better by then. What was nice though was I had a surprise show up on my desk…

I go out for a smoke after lunch, in excruciating pain mind you, and I’m talking to my coworker about how I’d pretty much kill for a pain pill that was anything stronger than OTC. I get back upstairs and on my desk is a post it note with a little round pill sitting on it. No idea who it came from, but a muscle relaxer was sitting on top of it and the name was scrawled on the post it. At this point, I’m game for anything. I google it, it seems all good (NSAID, low dosage, common), take it, and it does just enough to take the edge off without knocking me on my ass.

Whoever that coworker was, you saved me from having to leave early and actually gave me enough to get through the day and work overtime. I couldn’t have been more appreciative.

Tomorrow, I probably won’t get so lucky. But I have a handful of Aleve left, and it’s a relatively short day (10 hours compared to 12), so I’ll get through just fine.

I just hope I’m mobile when I get up. I hate having to give myself an extra 30 minutes to make sure I can move in the mornings. I’m not 30 yet. This shouldn’t be happening to me! Ah, as is life.

And hi guys, how ya been? 🙂

Merry Christmas. So glad it’s over.

I remember looking forward to holidays and seeing family and spending time with everyone. Now, not so much. Had dinner with my dad and his wife, and I was subject to four hours of how I’m a failure. Why, I’m not sure. Maybe because I’m 29, not married, don’t own a home, no kids?

Maybe because I elect to spend money on travel rather than saving it all?

Maybe because I prefer to keep the details of my life to myself because the last time I shared it caused me to not talk to my dad for years.

Had a bitch fest with my sister earlier. That felt good. It’s our holiday tradition. Usually it’s most effective when we’re in the same place and the alcohol is flowing, but this worked. Only problem is being a little sick it hurt the hell out of my throat talking for 45 mins. So now, recovery mode.

I’m back home, watching the Doctor Who Christmas episode because that’s what every good Whovian does on Christmas. Cough drops are within arm’s reach, and the cat is getting into shit as she always does.

I really hope everyone had a good holiday, or just a good Sunday if you don’t celebrate anything. 

I’m just ready for this damn year to be done.

I see you

Someone out there has read a good chunk of what I’ve posted. Thank you 🙂

I love the surprise of checking my stats and seeing a ton of views. Whoever you are, I hope you enjoyed and will come back. The blog isn’t quite what it was as I have changed over the years, but it still has its roots.

I really appreciate the handful of you who have stuck around even when I abandoned this. I find though that before I wrote for others, but now it’s more for me. I’m okay with that. I just hope it doesn’t suck. 🙂

I threw up on his dick.

See title.

….

….

….

Yeah so that happened. This is what happens when we have an hour to cook dinner, eat dinner, and have sex, in hat order. And I took it upon myself to get his dick in its entirety down my throat. That’s no easy task.

Luckily it very quickly turned into laughs and a quick clean up before we got back to it.

Still have about half an inch to go. Trying again not directly after we’ve eaten!

Short, sweet, and pissed.

I wish people could hear themselves when they get in political “debates” on Facebook and other sites. I wish people would take a step back and read what they wrote.

I’ve never understood turning politics personal or attacking an individual versus an idea. There is so much hatred and vile sentiments being thrown about without any consideration whatsoever. People need to remember that there are actual real people behind the screen. You won’t get anywhere by screaming at someone that they’re wrong, stupid, ignorant, and other less choice words.

If you want to convince someone, take the time to understand them. Present facts in a logical way. Have a discussion. Throwing attacks helps nobody. I don’t know about anyone else, but that is something which I will instantly lose respect for you over.

Many great people have bad ideas. And many not so great people have wonderful ideas. We’re all in this together. Let’s start acting like it.

Winter Hit

For the first time this year, I can say it’s fucking cold outside. And I’m alright with that. Cold means busy at work and lots of overtime and paychecks which make me remember why I love my job.

So about four months ago, we took over another department. It was this “top secret” thing that no one could know about except the initial team handling the transition. The affected team had no idea what was happening. Don’t worry, no one lost jobs. Although we’ve had this line of business for four months now, there was literally no training going in and the previous department won’t answer anything for us. We can’t get a response to an email, an IM, a phone call. Nothing.

So I’m running this department. I’m finally at the point where I know enough of what’s going on to start making changes for the better, training my team, you know doing things we should have been able to do early on. And the more I dig into their resources, the more fucking incompetent I’m realizing these idiots were who had this before us.

It’s gone from us thinking we need to make some minor changes. Tweak some processes, change some wording. Yeah I’m now in twice weekly meetings to completely restructure everything.

Lucky me.

Don’t get me wrong. I do love it. I love that I’m on the ground floor of this because it is going to look amazing for that annual raise, on my resume, and for that management position. Mmhmm.

Okay enough talk about work. But that’s sort of the consistent high point in my life. Which I am so lucky for that. My job is my escape. I’m alright with that. 

And with that, I need to get myself to bed. 5 am comes way too soon. Gnite lovelies.

Someone please enlighten me…

If a married man is in a relationship with a single woman, can he claim to be happy in his marriage? When the single woman has a rock bigger than the wife’s, is told every day that she’s the best decision he’s made, but yet still keeps up appearances at home.

I don’t understand it. I thoroughly enjoy the benefit, but I don’t understand how it’s possible.

Has anyone else ever contemplated ideas on how to destroy the relationship to take the married one for yourself? Anyone?

Well, shit just got real. This was bouncing around in my head after reading some related posts. I don’t think I ever could follow through with anything, but dammit if I haven’t played out tons of scenarios.